... who has an unplanned pregnancy
... in an abusive relationship
... who has an eating disorder
... after sexual assault
... party safely
... who is being stalked
... who has been sexually harassed

How to help a friend who has an unplanned pregnancy
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Respect her decisions
Every women has the fundamental right to make choices about a pregnancy. A woman facing an unplanned pregnancy will need to make some of the most important decisions in her life. She may decide to carry the pregnancy to term and then decide to keep the baby or place the baby with an adoptive family. Or she may choose to have an abortion. As her friend it is important that you respect her decisions, regardless of your own personal values or beliefs. After your friend makes the choice to continue the pregnancy or not, you can be supportive in whatever ways you are able or are willing to be.

What can I do to help?
Remember, you can't "fix" the situation for your friend. But here are some things you can do that are helpful for both of you:

• Listen. Let your friend talk; don't be judgmental, interrupt, or give advice. Just sitting and listening to your friend can reassure her that you care and are there for her.
• Offer to help find appropriate resources for your friend. Ask her in what ways you can help. For example, she may ask you to accompany her on her visit to a clinic for pregnancy test, or ask you to help her locate a safe abortion provider or adoption agency. Be clear about setting your limits about what you can and can't do. Setting limits supports her and empowers both of you.
• Find some outside support for yourself while you help your friend. Helping a friend in crisis can be difficult. It's normal for you to have strong emotional reactions to the situation too. The following resources are good places to go for more information and help for both of you.

Campus Resources
Cowell Student Health Center 752-2300 (Main); 752-9649 (Advice Nurse)
Peer Counselors in Sexuality 752-1151
Counseling Center 752-0871
The House Peer Counseling 752-2790
Women's Resources and Research Center 752-3372 for referrals
For residence halls, you can contact your RA or RD

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How to help a friend in an abusive relationship
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What is relationship abuse?
Relationship abuse is the use of intimidation and/or force by one person in a relationship over the other. It can include any form of verbal, emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse or violence, and happens in both heterosexual and same-sex relationships. In an abusive relationship it is not unusual for the abuser to express remorse after a violent outburst and then ask forgiveness, promising that "it will never happen again." Unfortunately, it usually does.

What can I do to help her?
Remember, you can't "fix" the situation for your friend. But here are some things you can do that are helpful for both of you:

• Ask her. Have you noticed bruises on her body? Does she seem sad, distracted or depressed? Does she seem to miss a lot of school or work? Have her sleep or eating habits changed? Does she have low self-esteem? These may be signs of relationship abuse or violence. Usually, fear keeps the victim from leaving the relationship, and shame may prevent her from telling someone else. For these reasons it's O.K. and important to ask her if she is being abused.
• Listen and believe her. Let your friend talk; don't be judgmental, interrupt of give advice. Just sitting and listening to our friend can reassure her that you care and are there for her. Be patient; sharing about an abusive relationship can be difficult and scary.
• Offer to help find appropriate resources for your friend. Ask her in what ways you can help. For example, she may ask for your help in contacting the police, or ask you to accompany her on her first visit to a counselor. Be clear about setting your limits about what you can and can't do. Setting limits supports her and empowers both of you.
• Find some outside support for yourself while you help your friend. Helping a friend in crisis can be difficult. It's normal for you to have strong emotional reactions to the situation too. The following resources are good places to go for more information and help for both of you.

Campus Resources
Campus Violence Prevention Program (752-3299)
Counseling Center (752-0871)
The House Peer Counseling (752-2790)
Women's Resources and Research Center (752-3372) for referrals.
For residence halls, you can contact your RA.

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How to help a friend who has an eating disorder
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What is an eating disorder?
An eating disorder is an intense and unhealthy preoccupation with food and body image. Often it is a dangerous response to psychological and/or emotional stress in the person's life. The three most common types of eating disorders are anorexia nervosa, bulimia, and binge eating. It is possible to suffer from more than one eating disorder at a time.

What can I do to help?
How do you know if your friend has an eating disorder? Maybe you've noticed emotional or behavioral changes coupled with substantial weight gain or loss. Or maybe your friend seems preoccupied with food and/or physical appearance. Remember, you can't "fix" the situation for your friend. But here are some things you can do that are helpful for both of you:

• Don't be afraid to bring up your concerns with her. You can let her know that you've noticed sudden changes in her weight or behavior, and that you're concerned about her. This might provide her with an opportunity to share her "secret" with someone else and to get help. If she denies that a problem exists, the only thing you can do is to let her know that you're available to help her if she decides that a problem does in fact exist.
• Listen and believe her. If she agrees that she needs help and begins to share her problem with you, let her talk; don't be judgmental, interrupt of give advice. Just sitting and listening to our friend can reassure her that you care and are there for her. Be patient; sharing about an eating disorder can be difficult and scary.
• Offer to help find appropriate resources for your friend. Ask her in what ways you can help. For example, she may ask for your help in searching the web for information, or ask you to accompany her on her first visit to a counselor. Be clear about setting your limits about what you can and can't do. Setting limits supports her and empowers both of you.
• Find some outside support for yourself while you help your friend. Helping a friend in crisis can be difficult. It's normal for you to have strong emotional reactions to the situation too. The following resources are good places to go for more information and help for both of you.

Campus Resources
Counseling Center (752-0871)
Cowell Student Health Center (752-2300)
The House Peer Counseling (752-2790)
Women's Resources and Research Center (752-3372) for referrals.
For residence halls, you can contact your RA or RD

Web Sites
UC Davis:
Anorexia Nervosa and Related Disorder, Inc. (ANRED): www.anread.com/hlp.html
If you'd like to read more about eating disorders or body image, visit the WRRC Library, located in North Hall on the first floor.

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How to help a friend after sexual assault
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Understand
First, it is important to examine your own attitudes about rape, before you can provide effective support to someone who has been a victim. An assault survivor will be very sensitive to your moods, opinions and attitudes. No one EVER deserve to be raped, regardless of where she was, who she was with, or what she was doing. She has been violated and needs your understanding and trust. She has had control of her body, and possibly her life, completely taken away. At this point she needs to be empowered, and to regain control of her life. You can help her by being sensitive to her needs and offering assistance, but do not direct her or tell her what she needs. Offer to help her with decision making, but do not make decisions for her. If your friend is a survivor of attempted rape, remember that her experience was traumatic and painful; her emotional responses can be similar to those of a rape survivor.

Believe Her
People rarely make up stories about sexual assault.

Listen
Let your friend know you want to listen. Survivors need to be listened to and don't expect you to "fix" the situation. Let the person tell you at their own pace what happened. If you don't understand something, ask questions to clarify, but don't pry for specific details.

• Offer to set aside a time to talk together
• Let her talk, don't interrupt
• Show interest in what she says by facing her and making eye contact
• If she needs help to continue talking, try repeating back to her the things she has said

Be Supportive
Tell her that you care about her and how she is feeling. This may be the first time your friend has told anyone about the sexual assault. Offer whatever expression of sympathy that feels comfortable. ("It must have been really scary for you.") Ask about her FEELINGS, more than just the facts. ("You say you feel guilty. How so?") Most survivors will blame themselves for the assault and it will take them time to work through that emotion. Instead of saying, "It's not your fault," you can say something like "I don't think it's your fault." Allow her to feel the full range of emotions: sadness, anger, frustration, fear, etc.

Problem Solve
Respond to any emotions she expresses, such as fear, anger, guilt. Each of these are part of the Rape Trauma Syndrome. Take time to help her get professional help, IF SHE WANTS IT. Discuss with her other supportive people she can call or see. Discuss with her the options of reporting to police/or going to the hospital (if appropriate). Examine with her any hesitancies or fears she may have. Again, don't be critical or judgmental (i.e. "Didn't you fight back?" or "Why did you go out with him?") Instead, acknowledge that it was an awful, frightening and undeserved thing that happened to her. Example, "I can see this is hard for you to talk about. I'm glad you decided to talk with me."

Basic Dos

Be supportive.
Tell her you care.
Help her examine legal and medical options.
Help her to realize she did not deserve the assault.
Don't forget to take care of yourself.
Find someone to support you as well.

Hearing about the sexual assault of a friend is upsetting. You have your own feelings and issues to work through when a friend is raped.

And A Few Don'ts
Don't assume she can "just put it behind her" or think of it as "just a bad experience." Rape takes a long time to work through, and she will be dealing with different responses to it for awhile. Don't expect her to be "done with it" in a few weeks or even months. It may continue to come up time and again.

Don't judge her actions.

Don't ask "why" questions because they sound blaming.

Don't embrace her or hold her hand without asking first.

Don't espouse your fury or desire to "kill the rapist." Your friend needs you to support her, not to be bombarded with your emotions. "Getting the rapist" may relieve you of your anger, but it won't attend to the harm that has already been done to a rape survivor. Keep your focus on your friend.

Don't get angry at her. She needs encouragement and support. If you have questions, concerns or frustrations, check them out with someone else first. You, too, can use the resources listed below.

Community Resources
Campus Violence Prevention Program (752-3299)
Counseling Center (752-0871)
The House Peer Counseling (752-2790)
Cowell Student Health Center (752-2300)
Davis Community Clinic (758-2060)
Planned Parenthood (758-4580)
Sexual Assault & Domestic Violence Center Hotline (758-8400)

**Men are also raped and need their friends' support. Their needs are similar to those of female survivors.

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How to help a friend party safely
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WHY THINK ABOUT SAFETY DURING A PARTY?

At least 50% of sexual assaults involve alcohol or drugs.
90% of rape survivors were assaulted by someone they knew.

If your friends are avid partiers, then you may know that partying, drinking, and/or using drugs can be risky. Besides the dangers of alcohol poisoning and driving under the influence, alcohol and drugs can increase women’s risk of being sexually assaulted. Here are some tips on how to help a friend enjoy parties while staying safe.

What can you do to help a friend?

Before the party:

• Work with your friend to plan what she can say or do in an uncomfortable or even threatening situation.
• Use the buddy system: Go to the party with friends and leave together.
• Take turns being the designated driver and always designate a friend who will stay sober to look out for others.
• Encourage your friend to decide on sexual boundaries beforehand and help her brainstorm how to communicate them to others. Offer to help her practice too.
• Establish a signal or code word to ask each other for help getting out of an awkward situation.
• Work with your friend to be aware of personal safety: learn about risks and safety strategies, take a RAD self-defense class, read up on sexual assault statistics and other gender issues (check out the WRRC’s library!).

Think before you drink:

• Be aware of how alcohol and drugs affect your friend.
• Is she tired? Hungry? Is it late? Taking prescription medicine? All of these factors can significantly increase the effect of ONE drink.
• Remind her to keep track of what's in her drink and who has handled it.
• Watch the bartender prepare drinks for you and your friends.
• Hold your friend’s drink for her while she’s in the bathroom, and remind her not to leave her drink unattended.
• Avoid punch and other open drinks.
• Be aware of the effects of “date rape drugs”: If your friend begins to feel disoriented or as if she has had more to drink than she actually has, leave the party immediately and go somewhere safe.
• If she becomes unconscious or has trouble breathing, get medical attention immediately. Do not let her “sleep it off.”
• Note: many date rape drugs are odorless, colorless and often tasteless. They are also common on college campuses.

Communicate:

• Encourage her to set limits with alcohol and stick to them.
• If your friend is considering sexual activity, advise her to carry contraceptives such as condoms or dental dams
• Remind her to communicate her sexual boundaries clearly to her partner(s) by using those strategies you rehearsed together.
  
• During the party
  • Trust your instincts.
  • Look out for your friend, and step in if she looks uncomfortable, even if you’re unsure.
  • Don't be afraid to interrupt or make a scene.
  • Be aware of the environment and potential dangers, such as someone trying to get her alone or someone handling her drink.

   

After the party:

• Leave together with your designated driver.
• Talk about the party: Are there parts that she doesn't remember?
• Encourage her to take an honest look at her drinking behavior and to learn healthy behaviors and attitudes.
  

Be aware of the effects of "date rape drugs":

• If your friend begins to feel disoriented or as if she has had more to drink than she actually has, leave the party immediately and go somewhere safe.
• If she becomes unconscious or has trouble breathing get medical attention immediately. Do not let her "sleep it off."
• Note: many date rape drugs are odorless, colorless, and often tasteless. They are also common on college campuses.

How to help a friend who is being stalked
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WHAT IS STALKING?
Unwanted pursuit. Most female victims are stalked by current or former intimate partners such as dating partners, spouses, or cohabiting partners. What was viewed intitally as positive, romantic attention, may turn into the repeated unwanted attention, harassment, and contact that characterizes stalking.* But it's important to remember that a stalker can be someone you do not know at all.

THE LAW
A stalker can be legally defined as "any person who willfully, maliciously, and repeatedly follows or harasses another person with the intent to cause that person reasonable fear for their safety, or the safety of their immediate family."

California Penal Code Section 646.9 and California Civil Code 1708.7 provide for victims to file a lawsuit against stalkers, and there are federal laws against interstate stalking and interstate threats. You can find all these laws and codes at www.ncvc.org/src

SOME THINGS STALKERS DO:

• Show up wherever you are
• Follow you
• Repeatedly call you, including hang-ups
• Drive by or hang out at your home, school, or work
• Send unwanted gifts, letters, cards, or e-mails
• Monitor your phone calls or computer use
• Use technology, like hidden cameras, spyware, or global positioning systems, to track where you go
• Find out about you by using public records or on-line search services, hiring investigators, going through your garbage, or contacting friends, family, neighbors, or co-workers
• Threaten to hurt you, your family, friends, or pets
• Damage your home, car, or other property
• Any other actions that control, track, or frighten you

SOME FACTS ABOUT STALKING:

• 13% of female college students have been stalked.
• An estimated one in twelve women and one in forty-five men will be stalked in their lifetime.
• 83 percent of students who were stalked do not notify the campus police or other school authorities.

SOME SECURITY MEASURES YOU CAN TAKE
Stalking is unpredictable and dangerous, but you can increase your safety by taking the following steps:

• Trust your instincts. Don't downplay the danger. If you feel you are unsafe, you probably are
• Tell family, friends, roommates, RA's, professors, and co-workers and seek their support. Ask them to help watch out for your safety, and not to give out any information about you.
• Consult with a victim advocate on campus or in the community to talk about your options.
• Change your email address, phone numbers, and internet screen names and be selective about giving those to others. Change passwords and clear your computer of all spyware.
• Use an unlisted phone number.
• Decide in advance what to do if the stalker shows up at your home, work, or school.
• Don't communicate with the stalker or respond to attempts to contact you.
• Change the keys to all your locks, and install deadbolts or security systems, and make sure all your windows and doors have working locks.
• Contact the police. Every state has stalking laws, and the stalker may also have broken other laws if they assault you or steal or destroy your property.
• Consider getting a court order that requires the stalker to stay away from you.

EVIDENCE IS KEY TO PROSECUTION
By documenting stalking activity, you can help law enforcement build a strong case. Write down everything that happens. Include dates, times, locations, and any exact words that you can remember. Keep voice mails, emails, notes, gifts, and any objects or writings given to you. Also print chat room scripts or webpages. Be sure to include how each of the incidents made you feel as well as the specifics of the incident.

RESOURCES
Campus Violence Prevention Program: Victim Advocate
(916.523.2419) 24-hour pager

The National Center for Victims of Crimes Stalking Resource Center (1.800.FYI.CALL) - daytime hours only

Women's Resources & Research Center
(752.3372); located in North Hall; http://wrrc.ucdavis.edu

SADVC
(530.662.1133 or 916.371.1907); http://www.sadvc.org/


*http://www.ncvc.org/src/main.aspx?dbID=DB_Fear_on_Campus539

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How to help a friend who has been sexually harassed
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Sexual harassment is something that occurs a lot, but serious conversations about it rarely take place. We hear people joke about it, but when the real thing happens it isn't funny and can have a very negative impact on you. It is a power play that makes you hurt and angry and it can make it hard to study or work to your full potential.

What is sexual harassment?
Sexual harassment is any unwelcome sexual advance, request for sexual favors and other verbal, visual or physical conduct of a sexual nature that unreasonably interferes with your work or education, or creates an intimidating, hostile or offensive work or learning environment.

Sexual harassment is against the law and university policy.

Unwelcome behaviors that could be considered sexual harassment

• Directly or indirectly bribing or threatening you for sexual favors
• Writing your letters, notes, e-mails, etc. of a sexual nature
• Touching, tickling, stroking, or brushing up against you
• Spreading rumors about your sexuality
• Using crude, sexually oriented language
• Telling jokes of a sexual nature
• Displaying pictures, posters, calendars, etc. of a sexual nature
• Making sexually suggestive sounds or gestures
• Making sexual comments about your body, hair, clothing, etc.


This is not an all-encompassing list. These are broad examples of some behaviors that could be considered sexual harassment if they are affecting your ability to work or learn.

Impact
Sexual harassment can cause emotional, psychological, physical and material harm. The specific impact varies from person to person.

What you can do if you think you're being sexually harassed...

• Trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel right to you, then it probably isn't.
• Get a reality check from UCD staff who know a lot about sexual harassment. Many can talk to you confidentially. See the list below.
• Ask yourself if the harasser knows that his/her behavior is unwelcome. If not, think about whether it's feasible for you to say "no" in person or in writing. This can be a good issue to discuss with one of the resources below. Retaliation against you for speaking up is also illegal.
• Document the harssment. Write down each incident including date, time, place, and any witnesses. Detail what happened and include your response. Keep a copy at home. This information will be useful if you decide to take action.
• Get emotional support from friends and family and/or campus resources.
• Look for witnesses and other victims. You may not be the first person who has been mistreated by this individual. Ask around; you may find others who have had similar experiences.
• File a complaint. If it feels right to you, filing a complaint is definitely an option. The Sexual Harassment Education Office is a great place to start to get more information on the complaint process.

Campus Resources
Staff in these offices are knowledgeable about sexual harassment and are available to all students. They are a good place to start.

Campus Resources
Sexual Harassment Education Program 752-9255

Confidential Campus Resources
Women's Resources and Research Center 752-3372
Campus Violence Prevention Program 752-3299
Counseling and Psychological Services 752-0871
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Resource Center 752-2452

Other Campus Resources
Cross Cultural Center 752-4287
The House Peer Counseling 752-2790

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The "How to Help a Friend" series is produced by the
UC Davis Women's Resources and Research Center.